Shut Up, You Fool!

Dear Frustrated (singer) Neighbour,

Hi, I’m your neighbour; I live 2 doors next to your house.  You probably don’t know me yet because I heard that you are new in the neighbourhood… however, I kind of have an inkling that you are going through some difficulties in your life right now.  The reason I said that, is because I could hear you vigorously wailing on a microphone, and oh boy, I said to myself, I don’t want to experience whatever you are going through.   I pity you. You invited your friends to come over to your place to wail with you.  I am trying to understand you, I do.  However, please do understand too, that it’s almost 2:00 am, weekday, and people are trying to sleep because they have work tomorrow.  Please be considerate to your neighbour.  I suggest that whatever you are going through, just pray or talk to a friend, silently.  DON’T SING IT OUT!

I beg you, PLEASE SHUT THE FUCK UP!!! I WANT TO SLEEP!!! YOU HAVE FUCKING HORRIBLE, GHASTLY, UNPLEASANT VOICE TO SING!!!  I WILL CALL THE POLICE, MUTHAFUCKA!!!

Your pestered neighbour

Naming

Whew! I did not know that naming a blog is this hard – at least for me, I am not blessed with a creative bone in my body - from ‘Marsyah73’ to ‘Little Barrio Called Marsyah’ and now, ‘What Marcia Doesn’t Know’.  Marsyah is supposed to spell as M A R C I A (the right spelling) it’s the combination of my real name and last name. The one with the SYAH, well,  I have completely forgotten the reason why I changed the spelling; I guess…I was trying to be cool and creative… Guess what? It’s sooo bloody uncool!!!! What’s making it worse is putting an H at the end… so cheesy and so Pinoy!!! (If you’ve been in the Philippines or a Filipino or a foreigner who lived in the Philippines for a long time,  you know what I am talking about.) 

“Marsyah73″ was a lame and unimaginative name so, in my attempt to be creative and imaginative, I changed it to ”Little Barrio Called Marsyah”…however, hmm…  I find it so cheesy as well.  Third attempt, I came up with “What Marcia Doesn’t Know.  Why “What Marcia Doesn’t Know” (using the original spelling of Marcia)? Well, several reasons such as; I am often clueless, lacking information, delusional at most times, does not make sense most of the time, guilty of committing the same mistakes, unimaginative, uncreative, unmindful, unoriginal, tactless, harmless, pointless… and a lot more words that you can put prefix ‘un’ or suffix ‘less’.   Ahhh…oh me.

Yes, I am settling with ”What Marcia Doesn’t Know” … at least for now, until I come up with something, which I think, is a better name.

Nah… no more changing. Promise!

Beautiful One, Do You Realize?

Do you realize??  That you are my favourite delusion?

I LOVE YOU! I told you that already, I hope I did not scare you.  I was just being honest with myself.  I don’t expect anything from you; I just want you to know.

I am not even sure if what I feel for you is already LOVE. But, I want to believe that IT is that word… the right word for what I feel for you.   Or it could only be just an infatuation, I don’t know… ”You are making me crazy” you said this to me twice, but I should be the one saying those line to you. 

All I know, you occupy 95% of my heart, 95% of my brain.  I know you did not ask to occupy these spaces but I am sharing them to you.  Forgive me, beautiful one.

I Am Employed, Again

I have a job now! Yahoo!!! I am so happy! I am finally not worthless!  HA HA HA

Seriously, I am happy landing a job again.  I am going to work under the same industry (business process outsourcing) as a call center agent again.  Yeah, same job that I abhor few months ago reason why I resigned.  Abhor is such a strong word to use but that was what I truly felt.  Many reasons why I felt that way (okay, I am not going to bore you with detailed explanation as if applying for a job) but one of them is my experience in that company, the people especially.  I love the team I was with, what I did not like is the people outside of our team; they are the most judgemental,condescending, ego-tripping, power-tripping bunch…

Hahhhh…*sigh*… blah… blah… Come on Malou, no need to rant anymore, you should have done it with the HR not through this blog… besides, it so over now, you have resigned! Move forward! Focus on the new job now!!!

 Okay, okay! Sheessh!!!  My other self is cranky this morning.  Okay, sorry, my bad, oopss!!!

 My cranky self is right, no need to do all that anymore.  I promise that I am going to be a different person with the new company… a newer and better person. 

 I am just happy and thankful to God that I got the job in one day.  Kudos to me!!!

Online Pet Peeves

Ever since I started chatting – and finding it engaging and fun – I’ve developed some pet peeves that would truly irk me: (some are tolerable but some are over –the-top annoying!)

1.  Being asked about my bra size – I don’t like to be asked this question. “We just met why do you want to know that information?”

2.  “I like bbw because of big boobs…” –   Most of the time, whenever I ask a guy why they like bbw (big beautiful woman – just in case you don’t know yet) I would often get this response.  I do understand that guys like big boobs (okay, most of them, if not all) but it would irk me whenever I see that response.  Being a bbw (minus beautiful, lol!) I thought that, us, big women, are reduced to just having big boobs. To me this is insulting and degrading especially if they would follow it up with the question “what is your bra size?”  Grrrr!!!! Arrrghhh!! I feel like wanting to strangle someone and/or run amok. Hayst!!!

(Let me calm myself)

Okay, I don’t ignore them yet, I just politely tell them that I have to say good-bye because I’m going somewhere, then type the word ‘ciao!’.  However some guys, even if, you have politely bid farewell already,  some of them would insist on chatting and would irk me more with my no. 3 pet peeve.

3.  Penis size – who cares?!? I don’t give a shit! I just want to chat, NOT to know their penis size. As if, (duh!) the size of their penis would change my mind, that I would be impressed.  Good Lord, have mercy on these people!  And because they irked me so much, this time, I hit the ignore button. That’s the least I can do – for now.

4.     Unclean cam invite – the first time I got an invite to view cam, without the usual introduction or getting-to-know chat, I was amused, I said, “hmm…okay, let’s see how you look like”, after I clicked ‘yes’, ta dah!…I came face to face with their penis!  Waaahhh!!! My eyes hurt! Mamatay ka bastos!! (Shameless fool, you die!) I had to experience same scenario more than once to learn my lesson… click ‘no’ to a no-intro –cam-invite, if they really want to chat with you, they will send you a message.

Okay, I admit, that I still click ‘yes’ to some invites – sometimes.    Anyways, I can immediately close cam and my eyes won’t be hurt literally, I will just be pissed off for a short while.

Note: The Portuguese guy, whom I’ve been gushing and lusting over for over a month now, he invited me first to view his cam before he sent me a message. I did not regret it; (obviously) I got to stare at his beautiful face before he sent me a message.

5.  Buzz – Sometimes I am chatting with two or more people at the same time.   I don’t mind being buzzed once but being buzzed more than once… hahhh!!!… I hate it!

‘Okay, I understand that you are waiting for too long, I am sorry, I’m chatting to a more interesting guy than you, buzzing me repeatedly will only lead to nowhere… so be patient! I’m currently busting my brain to be witty with this guy… so fuck off!’ (of course, that’s only in my mind, I’m too nice to do that )

I don’t buzz people, I patiently wait for their response… if I don’t get a response from them for a long time, I’d say good-bye to them, that way, I might get their attention – or not.

6.  Stand up – I want to see more of you.  I don’t like to stand up. I am shy. I am lazy, that’s why I am fat! For me, asking me to stand-up, is like asking me to stand-up on a scale.

There was one guy, after seeing me on cam and telling me that he likes me told me to stand up. I refused to stand up, I said, I am shy and embarrassed of my unflattering curves (jokingly, of course!). Then he told me that if he liked what he sees he’s going to ask me come to his country and marry him.  I told him I am not looking for someone to marry; I was just looking for someone to chat with.  ‘If he liked what he sees?’ that’s a condescending remark (I did not see his face, he said his cam was not working) and I felt bad with it.  It made me feel like I’m a mail-order-bride.  I don’t have anything against mail-order-brides; I am not in any position to judge them.  However, I felt insulted… did I advertise on my face that I am looking for husband just for money, a marriage for convenience?

Yes, I am searching, however, I still want to experience the romance, the courtship, falling in love (or getting heart-broken) – I want to experience it all… the drama of romance. (I know, I am so cheesy and I don’t care!)

Note: Putting the words; mail-order-brides, marriage for convenience, bad, insulted and condescending in one paragraph will probably raise some eyebrows; I know some people will call me judgemental.   I apologize for that.   Admittedly, I have no personal knowledge about ‘mail-order-brides’ or what ‘mail-order-bride’  is, I used that name (mail-order-brides) only to describe what I felt. (I was basing my description from the little knowledge or opinion I have of the mail-order-brides).  Again, I apologize! (I don’t mind being bitch slapped about this.)

7.  Video call – Do not video call me yet!  Because I am still putting on my lipstick, fixing my hair and my best t-shirt; I’m still trying to find my best angle on cam.  Sheesh… I need to look good. Do not call me, I’ll invite you!

8.  Annoying Bots – because they crowd the room.  It’s so annoying to receive spam message from them.  Speaking of crowding the room, funny though, there were some chatters who would send me a message asking if I am ‘real’.  I would always response “no, I’m a bot!” hehehe.

Him: hello
Me: hello
Him: a real person?
Me:: no im a bot
Him: whew….
Me: lol
Me: from intergalactic space
Him: lol
Him: hey, me too
Him: 24th street
Me: cool..
Him: i live in the high rise behind the pharmacy. lol
Him: I was really hoping to talk to another bot.
Him: so how are you today?
Me: im doing fine…trying to live like a human being
Him: cool. arent we all?

I am new to the chat world, I only started this year. And I am having fun!  I enjoy meeting different types of people.  Some people are worth keeping, some, uhm… well, better not to contact me for a little while and some I have regretted to lost contact. Despite of my list of pet peeves in chatting – which I am sure  I will add more in the long run  – I will still continue chatting… until I no longer have internet connection.

Yellow Light

Please light up yellow..

My heart is all day hollow.

Please light up yellow..

I’m dying to see you Bento.

You see, that is my everyday incantation, to summon that yellow to light up.  I thought I was not delusional at all when I deleted his name.  I thought I am sane.  But, hell no! My last message was actually my last ditch effort to call his attention, it was successful, yes, he responded to that message.  I let him sent me couple of messages without responding… I was giving him a taste of his own medicine.  Again, I added him in my list (second time around, first time, nah.. unnecessary to write the reason) .   He said that he was afraid that I said goodbye to him forever.  I told him that was the plan, to say adios, sayonara for good.. but gosh! I don’t know what he did to me; I’m so magnetized to him, drawn to this man..  he put a spell on me.. I am hypnotized.

Third time, I deleted his name… this time not only his name but our conversation history.  For me, deleting our chat history is the finality. That I am not going to contact this man anymore.  Two things led me to decide to delete him, first he has a wife and second, I got so jealous, not to the wife, to someone else he was chatting and webcamming with on Monday morning.  I am not jealous at his wife, goodness, she got him first, I was so pissed off because I agonizingly waited for him to be online for two days and then when I caught him online(on webcam) he did not even send a message. He went offline immediately, as if rushing to hide.  I felt betrayed… cheated on.  Oh my God, I felt like a fool. This delusion has to stop.  I did not say anything to him or send him any messages I just vanished for two days until this afternoon (December 21, 2:00pm).   Part of me still hoped that he would send me a message, and because of that I deliberately made myself available online at the same time that we first met.  It worked, my heart jumped with excitement when I saw his name with his message.   For two days, I would always check if I have an offline message from him, so, imagine my excitement when I saw his message.   I did not answer immediately. I said to myself, “be strong and be firm not to fall under his spell”.  I was friendly with him, no romantic connotations in my chats with him earlier.  I did not mention about Monday morning.  But he wanted to be more than friendly, I told him to waste his time with his wife not with me, then I signed out. (Ahh… the drama queen in me, I just couldn’t resist it.)

I’m not glad that our chat did not end up in a pleasant way.  But he acted as if he was not aware of what he did to me.  Part of me is screaming “Good! You go girl! He is not going to bother you anymore.” however, another part of me is crying “What if he does not come back, what if he is gone for good?”   It’s not easy to escape from him; he is always in my mind. I like him so much; I am probably in love with him.

Told myself that if I am going to receive a message from him, I am going to delete our conversation history as soon as we ended our chat…I decided to leave it in our history.    I regret that I only have our conversation earlier restored; I should not have deleted our chat history, because other than the drama, he made me happy for a short period of time.  We have had good times together.  I still hope that we could be friends.

The song has quirky lyrics…anyone who listens to this song may have a different take on what the song is talking about. If you chance upon this post, (please don’t judge me) you may find this song not appropriate for what I am going through.   But, because I am hopeless romantic, I can totally relate to this song.  It’s about chasing love…longing and chasing that elusive love.  

“Tell me where’s your hiding place?

I’m worried I’ll forget your face

And I’ve asked everyone

I’m beginning to think I imagined you all along”

Hopeless Romantic

Peter Frampton, he is the 2nd man I want to marry.  lol

I love this song so much, because I am a hopeless romantic….

Aaarrgghhhh

Why am I drawn to you?

I feel like a fool around you.

Do you have a magnet with you?

Cause, I’m totally attracted to you.

 

I said good-bye forever..

But my heart said never!

I tried to pull away..

But my heart said stay!

Posting my stupidity in public is plain.. STUPID!! (*sigh)  At my age I should know more, wiser, sophisticated…in other words, less stupid!  What the hell, who had not been stupid at one point in their lives?  At least my stupidity created rhymes..

Last Message Sent

DramaQueen Galore:  The following are the last messages I sent him…

 

6:40pm:  Hi there! I’ve sent you messages but I’m not getting any response from you… I know, I made you mad at me the last time we chat.. for that I am very sorry.

(crickets)

8:15pm:   Despite of your unresponsiveness, I got your message loud and clear now..

After my last message this morning, I promised myself that if I don’t get a response from you all day… I won’t bother you anymore, just vanish without saying anything. 

But, because I am me, the quintessential drama queen… I have decided to send you my melodramatic goodbye…

Take care of yourself, ciao!!

I don’t have to wait ’till midnight for his response.. It is loud and clear to me.   He should  be grateful I saved him the trouble of saying good-bye (I doubt he’s going to do that )  I just hope that he has not yet put me in ignore list so that he could still read my message… Oh well, does not matter now.

I already deleted his name….

FIN

Rollercoaster 2009

Two thousand nine was a memorable, interesting year for me.  I am so glad that I kept a diary for that year.  My diary was my therapy, savior, companion and perhaps shock absorber during that year.  Since, I am starting a new blog, I felt that I have to copy one of the entries to this blog.  Towards the end of 2009, I decided to write a summary of my diary, I’d be copying that. 

Nah… I am not going to copy it here. I will only be compelled to change it a bit (not embellish, I’m no James Frey).. add more memories and attempt to edit what I think is grammatically incorrect (I’m afraid that I might turn it from bad to worse grammar).  Let’s leave it in the pages of my diary, leave it raw and pure.  

It was a rollercoaster of emotions for me…smorgasboard of emotions..like uncertainties, awkwardness, triumph, joy, fear, jealousy, lost, heart-broken, hate, depressed, alone, love..to name a few..  In that year I fell in love with a young man, got heart-broken by two young men.  If not for my friends, family and my diary’s companionship I am probably inside the mental asylum already.

Despite of those emotions, I still treasure that year.. because, I felt alive in 2009.